Let's talk honesty....worries of a business mom!

So I just broke and while so many thoughts are just erupting all over my mind…. I hear….. put it on paper. Growing up I always wrote things out. Whether it was in my journal…titling my most intimate thoughts Dear Diary…or just writing out reminders to pay a bill, I’ve always been a scribbler. It wasn’t until the height of social media that my writing came to a stop. I mean, I make a good Facebook post from time to time, but I lost touch of just writing. It has hindered my ability to fully express my feelings and my thoughts. It wasn’t until this very moment having some private me time in my bathroom at home, sitting, thinking, that I began to cry. I stumbled upon a post by Joyce Meyers and I immediately thought about all that is going on in my life, that has gone on, good and bad, stressful and wonderful, that I couldn’t even dissect or comprehend my emotions. As tears are flowing, I’m speaking to God and I’m asking HIM, “Lord….when will it be MY time?”. I know I shouldn’t question Him, and I know that His timing is ALWAYS on TIME…. However, in my humanistic state, I still can’t help but to wonder how will I pay this bill, how will we maintain for the month financially. Business is slow…bookings are not consistent, kids have fees, I don’t want to pull them from their extra curricular activity that I know they’ve always wanted to do, because we don’t have the extra monthly. What about my car note? The truck God blessed me with LITERALLY…. Rent will be due in 16 more days, booth rent is due weekly, I AM OVERWHELMED. Being a supportive wife to my providing husband, knowing that if I murmur a worry, it will take him into an emotional spiral because he is doing EVERYTHING in his power, rightfully, honestly, to provide for his family. “Should I apply for a job?” I ask him, “NO!” he replies. In my mind, “I’ll just apply for a job!!!” Wondering if I’m even qualified, hoping I get an offer with great pay, yet knowing that my desires are for me to be prosperous in my business, start my nonprofit, and book engagements where I can motivate and build up other mothers and women who are walking the same trail as I am. All too perfect! Too good to be true! Literally shutting down every aspiration and hope that I have built up in my mind for prosperity and growth, at the same time, binding and rebuking the spirit of doubt. Knowing that EVERY GOOD THING that I ask of from my Father, it shall be given unto me. But, oh but, I’m wondering WHEN???? How long will my release be held up? How many losses do I, We, have to take before the breakthrough? How much longer do I have to feel this unsettling feeling and sadness because mama “ain’t” got it like that? Too embarrassed to even call my salon owner and let him know “Dude” I JUST DON’T HAVE IT….. I don’t want to leave my salon, but every dime I earn, if any, I need it in my household. However, I know we should owe no man! Pay our debts. I am literally logging in to my credit union account seeing that it’s only $74.12 in that account and that I have a credit debt of over $2500. I don’t want to use my credit card to pay the lender that continues to call my phone over and over. My mind is screaming LORD, WHAT DO I DO???? I trust in HIM… oh YES…. I TRUST IN HIM. But I’m a mother, a woman, a human being with flesh and I do worry, I do get sad, I do get upset, I do get angry at the fact that I feel stagnation. I see the potential, I see the possibilities. I have spells of overflow and then it stops. There's no savings to carry us over. I’m seeing others moving along, and I’m wondering Lord, is it because I’m looking at the “others” and their successes and accomplishments. I know I’m not envious, you know I’m not wishing theirs is mines, you know I am humbly waiting. “Do you think that I will not be grateful?” “Do you think I will rob you of your 10%?” “Are my wants to be successful and flourish financially for all of the wrong reasons?” These are the questions I constantly ask. Answers I seek daily. Wondering is it just my fate that we just struggle and lack, when the Word of God says that we shall lack no good thing! But what are those good things? LOL….. I know that my God is faithful. I know that HIS grace and mercy is sufficient. I know that HE is a provider of all of our needs. So I just wait….. I just wait…. I pray and I just wait.